1st August: From my arrival, Ronnie was angry with me for not helping him to get out of hospital and this continued throughout my visit. Initially I asked a male nurse to explain to him why he couldn't get out, but when were alone he blamed me for not fighting to get him home. I've tried explaining why he's in hospital and that it's not my decision and have told him again that he is sectioned, which he doesn't believe. He thinks I have betrayed him. He spoke about getting home tonight and when I said that wasn't possible, he said there "was something going on and I had plans for tonight." The physiotherapist was in his room and I noticed that he speaks in a harsh tone of voice to me and in a totally different tone to everyone else. She told him that he couldn't go home as it wouldn't be safe for him just now. After she's gone, he was talking about coming home and driving.

Last night and this morning, I had calls from a Falkirk number but no-one spoke. I tried dialing the number but it just rang out and no-one answered. Ronnie said he had called and asked why I hadn't called back. Each time I had phoned the ward to make sure he was safe. He told me there was no feeling between us.

2nd August: I had my eyebrows plucked this morning. It's years since I've had this done. It wasn't as painful as I'd remembered and the difference is amazing.

Ronnie greeted me with a smile and a hug today and then said he was allowed out this afternoon. I asked the nurses in front of Ronnie and they said it wasn't true. I had taken law magazines to him, his favourite newspaper, money which he'd asked for and the brochure from Kesara in Doune where I'd had my eyebrows plucked. I asked Ronnie if he saw anything different about me but he didn't. I told him and he said it must have been a waste of money. He didn't want the money and tossed all the other things aside. I'd also returned to him his pocket radio, with recharged batteries, which he insists is a mobile phone.

He kept insisting he was allowed out and that we should leave, The physiotherapist came to speak to me and I asked her to explain to Ronnie that he wasn't allowed out. He stood behind her scowling at me. After she'd gone, he told me that Dr Prempeh had said he could leave and that he wasn't lying about this. I said he must have misheard or have confused what had been said but he says all the staff are confused, and not him.

3rd August: Ronnie's birthday. He phoned this morning and I wished him many happy returns. He said we were going out to dinner tonight and I told him he couldn't leave the hospital. Later in the day, he phoned again but I missed the call as I was driving. I phoned the ward and asked if he'd called me. The nurse said the section had been revoked. Ronnie spoke to me again about dinner tonight and I said he had to stay in hospital. Even if we had taken him out, he would not have wanted to return.

Vicki, Colin, the twins and I all went to visit Ronnie tonight. I took him a birthday cake specially made but he wasn't interested. He was sure we were going out to dinner and hadn't eaten much of the hospital meal in anticipation. He had showered and changed his clothes as well. I feel awful and that I've let him down. He was less confused tonight and chatted away to the twins.

The occupational therapist had been with Ronnie and Dr Prempeh and she reinforced what I and the other staff had told him.

4th August: Ronnie was much more calm and less confused today. I told him about the Foot & Mouth outbreak and he said he'd heard about it last night on the TV news. (I am now really concerned about selling my cattle in five weeks time as I can't keep them and do all the work with them on my own over the winter. I hope this doesn't spread). I know Ronnie is bored and basically the only treatment he gets is physiotherapy. No stimulation, no rehabilitation. He can't make progress without these.

The section was revoked yesterday. When Vicki, Colin and the twins visited tonight, they took Ronnie out for a walk round the block of the hospital. Vicki said it tired him out to walk for ten minutes and that he felt heady in the fresh air.

5th August: I was late getting to the hospital today. I went to visit Shona in her new accommodation - a static caravan at Myothill at Denny. (Vicki once worked there when she was doing her BHS exams). I got lost getting from there to Falkirk and the driving conditions were dreadful with the torrential rain.

I took Ronnie to the hospital cafeteria and as we were leaving the ward, his partner Beth arrived. Ronnie's short term memory is improving a bit but he is very confused about some things and gets angry when corrected.

6th August: Life is so complicated and there are so many implications and so many decisions to make that I truly can write no more. Please accept my apologies and take a look from time to time and if there's anything significant to tell, I'll do it. Thank you all for your wonderful friendship and good wishes and support. I couldn't have got this far without you all. End of daily blog.

Joan

22nd August: So much has happened since last writing that I can't record all of it, but will give a brief summary. Ronnie was allowed out to dinner on 10th August and was aggressive to Vicki, the twins and me becasue he wasn't allowed to drink. It was a most unpleasant meal. The day after this I took the twins to visit and he spent the whole time being obnoxious to the three of us. Alexander said to me afterwards that he was "scared of Grandpa Ronnie."

Ronnie came to Fourmerk on a home visit on Sunday 20th. Vicki, Colin and the twins were here. He was annoyed about tha they were here. He had said he wanted a bath and to trim his beard but did neither. (He doesn't wash, change his clothes, clean his teeth, trim his beard and moustache). He spent much of the day either sleeping, but when awake, didn't know what to do with himself and was very confused and bad tempered. He said we made no effort for him and that he didn't enjoy lunch.

Ronnie is being discharged on Friday 31st. He will come home overnight next weekend. There might or might not be carers for a few hours a day. He has not been given all the assessments yet and the risk assessment of the farm can only be done when Ronnie is here. The neuropsychological assessment will be done this week. The consultant says Ronnie is a competent person: that he knows the difference between right and wrong and is aware of consequences and that he should have the opportunity to return to work. I disagree. I am worried for Ronnie's safety when he comes home as he is a very determined person and will want to do all the things he is used to doing here. I am scared for me.